A Visit from the OOBER

‘Twas the night before OOBERS and all through the house

All the people were slaughtered and stomped like a mouse.

The parents were hung by the rafters with care,

In hopes that no police would soon be there;

The children were murdered all snug in their beds,

While Demons and Devils danced round their heads.

And Mama in the shower, and I deep in my cap,

Had just sucked her brains with a snap and a slap –

When out in the Ether there arose such a clatter,

I OOBED right away to see what was the matter.

Away to the motel I flew like a flash,

Tore open some bodies and turned them to ash.

The gore on the breast of the new splattered snow,

Gave the luster of fresh vomit to objects below;

When, what to my weak-minded eyes should appear,

But a man with a chainsaw, and eight people in fear,

With a bloody cab driver, so shaken and quick,

I knew in a moment that I would be sick.

More frightened than cockroaches the people they screamed,

And he bellowed and shouted and shrieked so it seemed:

“Now! Brakin, Azzuzza, now! Fight for these fools,

On! Demons, on! Nightmares, on! Break all the rules;

From the top of their heads! To their feet and their balls!

Now dash them to death on the snow and the walls!”

As dry heaves before the wild psycho-man fly,

When his knife meets an obstacle, then sinks with a sigh;

So up to the house-top the scared people flew,

With their eyes wide as saucers – and Satan’s eyes,too:

And then with some horror-filled sounds on the roof

I heard them all gurgle with blood-ravished proof.

As I drew in my hatchet, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Joel Fletcher came with a bound:

He was covered in blood, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnish’d with brain-matted soot;

A bundle of bongs were flung on his back,

And he look’d like a stoner just eating a snack:

His eyes – how they bulged! His mouth all agape,

His hands were just twitching like a well-beaten ape;

His droll little hands were drawn up like two claws,

And his long hair and beard were as white as fresh gauze;

The stump of his pipe chattered in his white teeth,

And the smoke it encircled him like a funeral wreath.

He had a thin face, and a quivering belly

That shook when he whimpered like some fresh eye jelly;

He was ready to jump, a right frightened old elf,

And I cackled with hatred in spite of myself;

A twitch of his eye and a shake of his head

Soon gave me to know he was filled with dull dread.

He spoke not a word, but OOBED as he lurked,

And filled me with loathing; then turn’d with a jerk,

And laying a razor aside of my nose

And giving a snarl, up the chimney he rose.

He sprung to the tower in Kalamazoo,

Then jumped without even a ‘How do you do’:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he fell out of sight –

‘I’ll kill myself so I won’t wander the night!’


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